from the doj-finally-finds-a-white-person-to-prosecute dept
Is throwing a sandwich at someone a felony? Well, that all depends on a few factors. The most important considerations are these:
- Who was the sandwich thrown at?
- Does the “victim” of the sandwich throwing wish to press charges?
What would normally be rhetorical questions were answered in Washington, D.C. recently. A (now-former) DOJ employee allegedly (well, the video makes it pretty clear there’s nothing “alleged” about it) threw a sandwich at some federal officers, following a preamble about their presumed fascism. (Again, the video clearly demonstrates there’s at least some basis for the accusations of fascism.)
Here’s what’s currently making the DOJ all frothed-and-bothered:
The pink-shirted alleged assailant is (allegedly) Sean Dunn, who has since been fired by the DOJ. This did not pass without comment because of course it didn’t. Former Qatar lobbyist/current Attorney General Pam Bondi made sure everyone knew just how unacceptable it is to throw sandwiches at federal cops:
A man accused of throwing a sandwich at a federal officer patrolling a Washington street as part of President Donald Trump’s takeover of law enforcement in the nation’s capital was fired from the Justice Department, Attorney General Pam Bondi said Thursday.
“This is an example of the Deep State we have been up against for seven months as we work to refocus DOJ,” Bondi wrote on X. “You will NOT work in this administration while disrespecting our government and law enforcement.”
Man, it ain’t much of a “Deep State” if it’s reduced to throwing sandwiches at cops on public streets while wearing a polo shirt and khaki shorts. Meanwhile, this entire administration is a daily demonstration that it’s not only possible to work for this administration while “disrespecting the government and law enforcement,” but that those acts are likely essential to remaining employed by Trump. After all, this is the same administration that pardoned a bunch of people who assaulted cops during a failed insurrection attempt and has elevated a legal adviser who instructed DOJ lawyers to say “fuck you” to federal courts to a lifetime appellate judge position.
Never mind all that, though. The Trump administration has “federalized” D.C. law enforcement, claiming the city is too violent to handle its own policing — something entirely based on the fact that a young DOGE stooge got manhandled a bit in the D.C. metro area by a couple of teens who were apparently entirely unimpressed by his “Big Balls” nickname.
Crime stats don’t support Trump’s claims about the city’s lawlessness. But that’s entirely besides the point. It’s all about the show of force and the additional power flowing from that. Trump and his lackeys continue to claim the city has never been safer now that it’s been invaded by federal officers and military troops. Odds are, it’s only as safe as it’s ever been, the occasional sandwich-based assault notwithstanding.
But here’s the real bullshit, as pushed by former Fox News b-lister/current D.C. US Attorney Jeanine Pirro:
Federal prosecutors in D.C. have been instructed not to seek felony charges against people who are carrying rifles or shotguns in the nation’s capital, regardless of the strength of the evidence, according to U.S. Attorney Jeanine Pirro and an email reviewed by The Washington Post.
The new policy, which Pirro said was crafted by the Justice Department and its solicitor general, marks a break with past practice.
Huh. This looks like Pirro and/or her enablers just Googled “what guns do white people use most” and went from there. It’s clear this administration has nothing but hate for anything less white and straight than Trump, now that Roy Cohn has lost his relevance, not to mention his life.
Now, comparing shotguns to sandwiches is the sort of thing that makes for truly absurd Venn diagrams. I’m not going to insult your intelligence by pretending these are things that are on equal footing when it comes to the (mis)management of local policing by the Trump administration.
However, I will point this out: there is no law — federal or local — that explicitly criminalizes the throwing of sandwiches at another person. What looks like “assault” to people just dying for a reason to prosecute someone looks like nothing more than an annoyance to everyone else.
On the other hand, D.C. law explicitly forbids the actions that are now being given a free pass by a Trump appointee:
Prosecutors have used the D.C. law at issue — which prohibits carrying shotguns or rifles, with narrow exceptions for permit-holders — to charge defendants in several high-profile incidents, including a 2019 shotgun attack in Northeast Washington and the “Pizzagate” shooter who targeted a restaurant in the city’s Chevy Chase neighborhood with an AR-15 rifle and a handgun in 2016.
Pirro says the local law no longer matters, pointing to a recent SCOTUS ruling that suggested that pretty much any gun control regulations anywhere were illegal if they didn’t align with the ever-shifting “originalism” deployed by the court’s “conservative” majority.
Now, as an average person too stupid to recognize the nuance of these disparities in law enforcement, I might idiotically assume that a person walking around with a shotgun is more “threatening” than a person walking around with a sandwich.
But that is why I have never been invited to hold a position of power within the Trump administration. Beyond the fact that my body would reject the appointment faster than an unmatched kidney is the fact that I might see punishing sandwich throwers as a waste of federal dollars, and literally putting more guns on the streets as counterproductive, especially when I’m simultaneously claiming Trump is taking guns off the streets and making things safer by… um… making everyday life look like a cutscene removed from the opening of Half-Life 2 because it was a bit too on the nose with its police state scene-setting.
Those of you still hoping Trump might yank you out of our comment section and into the annals of history we only wish we could forget will certainly show up here to point out everywhere my wandering argument goes wrong.
I don’t care. There’s no truly logical argument to be made here because we are dealing with people who are deeply, truly, professionally uninterested in logic, facts, or anything that might interrupt the endless flow of totalitarian enablement bullshit that flows from their lips at every opportunity. Until you’re willing to hold the people you adore to the same standards as some random guy on the internet, don’t bother opening your type-holes here.
Filed Under: bullshit, doj, ice, jeanine pirro, open carry, police state, trump administration, washington dc
